Originally published in KLIPSUN magazine.

Dear J*hn

An open letter to my name

Dear John,

You’ll be 14 when you first think of changing your name. You’ll start with Michael, or maybe, J*hn Michael — just to be different. You’ll think to yourself, “J*hn is such a basic name.”

You’re right.

At 18 you’ll come across a character with the name Elian from some forgettable book probably long since donated. You first think it’s pronounced “ah-lion.”

You like lions, I know you do because you still do. Unfortunately, this doesn’t shake out. You’re confusing it with your sister’s best friend from high school. She pronounces it properly: “el-e-on.”

It’ll only take you a few months to figure out that what you really meant was Elias.

Elias. Say it again. That’s right — it feels right. The name fits better than J*hn ever did because it’s yours.

You try it out, cautiously asking professors after class if they wouldn’t mind calling you Elias instead of J*hn. It sticks — no one objects. You’re really only comfortable telling your closest peers and professors, but even with them happily making the switch, it still feels like you’re faking it.

At work, you still go by J*hn. At home, you wouldn’t dream of renouncing the name J*hn — your parents would never forgive you. For your own sake, you won’t introduce them to Elias until you’re ready for the emotional fallout.

Lately, you’ve been threading the needle by signing your emails with, “J*hn ‘Elias’ Olson.” It’s a good half-measure.

Because now, at 20, it feels like the perfect time. Your 20s are for reinventing yourself, finding your place in the world. Nothing would feel better than to give J*hn — the name given to you by people who wouldn’t dare to have a queer son — a giant middle finger. You want to scream to the world that you are Elias St. Clair, not J*hn Olson. And you are. You always have been.

In 2020, changing your name — or not taking a partner’s name — is becoming more common. Apart from marriage, other reasons to change one’s name include adopting stage names, distancing yourself from your parents (like you’ve just done), or adopting a name that better fits one’s gender identity.

In the United Kingdom in 2015, a record 85,000 people changed their names via a deed poll, a written notice of intent used in name changes, according to an article from Vice.

But in the United States, changing your name is a more complicated process. It’s not hard, per se, but as a broke college student with very little time on your hands, $500 is a lot of ramen to spend on document replacements and fees.

Six years ago you wouldn’t have dreamed of changing your name.

Two years ago you struggled with feeling stupid over almost picking a mispronunciation as your name.

Now, it’s a matter of getting to the end of college. Then you can finally change your name and put this all behind you.

But it doesn’t free you fully — only time can do that.

You’ll find yourself accidentally using J*hn, you’ll bristle when you run into old peers who’ve only known you as J*hn and you’re still not sure if your parents will ever come around to calling you Elias.

That’s okay though because Elias is yours. You chose it. You’ve molded an identity around it. Now you get to live it, and that’s the best part.

Just keep your head up and remember to breathe,

Elias